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| At a crossroads, againWell, it’s been a long and tiresome year since I graduated at about this time last year. I can’t say with any stroke of honesty that the past year has been anything better than dismal. The year has passed, and what started with a huge ego, a lot of promise, and great deal of excitement has ended it what can only at best be described as a troublesome disappointment in most regards.
I sat outside for about 20 minutes solely reflecting on what the last year has meant to me. I thought about how excited I was to be entering the workforce. I thought about how I had spent the last 12 months or so, and how it has affected me in such a fundamental way. It began as an eager search for a decent job, has ended as a desperate search for anything that sends a paycheck my way. Neither effort has produced anything other than frustration and disappointment. The mere fact that I have already used the word “disappointment” twice, not to mention a healthy peppering of other negative adjectives should be a sign of my lingering frustrations.
This past year hasn’t been without its share of lessons, though. I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned more about myself than I probably cared to know. For instance, I’m not as good as I thought I was at a myriad of things professionally speaking: time management, professionalism, work ethic, problem solving, attention to detail… and personally speaking: emotional stability (or lack thereof), impulsiveness, mental toughness, listening skills, and ability to provide and accept criticisms.
I have also learned some positive things about myself: I can stay optimistic for much longer than I thought; I have more courage than I knew to have; and I have at times, been able to actually put my neck on the line (if not only in small ways). It does make me feel good that I have been able to keep up a good demeanor in the face of a lot of my troubles, but my troubles are really starting to catch up with me these days.
The hardest part about this past year is not trying to figure out where things went wrong, as that is fairly easy to diagnose on a case-by-case basis. The difficulty for me is figuring out why I can’t seem to right this ship. My supporting cast has been helpful for the most part. My parents have been hard to deal with, if not solely for the fact that they get very emotional (not in the crying way) about disagreements and tend to say things that are less than constructive. It doesn’t help that they, or one of them, to be honest, likes to stick their hands into the mix, without any real knowledge of the correct way to approach my situation.
More to the point in that regard, I feel like I should point out that I don’t mind people helping me out anymore. That is one thing I have learned, or taught myself in the past year. I do think there is a point, though, where helping can become hurting because it sends a message of a lack of faith in the abilities of the person you are helping. Making my problems into your problems doesn’t solve my problems, and just makes me feel like you don’t think I can handle these things by myself. Along those lines, helping in a brain-numbingly simpleminded way can also be very counterproductive.
It should be noted that doing this in a very patronizing and condescending way is also very counterproductive. Job-hunting in white collar, heavily networked job markets can’t be simplified into any old job hunt. There are things that, by the nature of business, you can’t understand unless you’ve interacted with it.
Now that I have returned from that tangent, I should also point out I have learned a lot about restraint and indulgence. While some may classify me as a slow learner, and I’d agree with that, I have found that it’s definitely better to hold your cards till it’s time to play them. That’s a bit of a cliché metaphor, but it suits what I need it for. I tend to talk myself into trouble, so I have found that only saying and doing what needs to be said and done is a very helpful and productive endeavor. It’s still a work in progress, but it’s a work well worth doing right.
Right now I am trying to figure out the next step. I feel like the hamster running on the giant wheel, not going anywhere, and if I stop, I go flying backwards and end up in the same spot with no momentum and a headache. I would be lying if I didn’t say that I am in a lot of trouble of my own making at the moment. Once all this clears up, I can get going again, but I just have to figure that out right now.
What will the next year hold? Don’t ask me, though I can tell you my expectations aren’t high. I have a funny feeling, though, that I might want to give up on being a creative professional. It was fun while it lasted, but I need a job with more stability, more growth potential, and less bullshit. I feel like, if I can’t do this at my best, and if I am really struggling this much, I should just give it up and join the rat race.
Maybe I’ll go into finance. I like finance because it is much more formulaic. It doesn’t depend on being new, fresh, trendy, and spontaneous. It’s numbers. And if you can crunch numbers, make calculated predictions, and understand formulas, things fall into place. There’s no selling a formula or market.
That’s about all I can muster right about now…
| | |
| 90. First off, what is your name?
ed
89. What did you do last night?
went to sleep at 2 am
88. Do you have an opposite sex best friend that you can talk to 24/7?
yes
87. Do you have any siblings?
yes
86. Where are you exactly?
1108
85. Got a boyfriend/girlfriend?
nope!
84. What does the 7th message in your [cell] text inbox say?
"why thanks ed!"
83. Who sits beside you in math?
me, i'm beside myself in math class
82. Do you like ramen noodles?
too salty
81. Where is your dad right now?
sleeping
80. Do you have any kids?
nope
79. Who is the 5th person you got a missed call from?
Lacey
78. Closest black object?
chair behind me
77. Closest silver object?
cell phone in pocket
76. Would you go back in time to change anything you've done?
nah
75. Do you sing in the shower?
yes, tonight's special was Mel Carter "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me"
74. Are you wearing socks?
yes
73. How does your hair look right now?
short
72. Last time you listened to country music?
like 1:30
70. If you could kill someone, who would it be?
jesus, wait, the jews beat me to it :-\
69. What are your fears?
uhh, dunno
68. What do you hear right now?
sniffling, sneezing
67. Do you like kangaroos?
sure!
66. Just kidding?
sure!
65. What are you wearing?
blue, white, orange, i'm dutch!
64. Who was the last person to comment you?
Kristina
63. Do you sing?
only when no one is listening
62. Screamo or Country?
country
61. Rock or Rap?
neither
60. Would you give your boyfriend/girlfriend a second chance if they cheated on you?
prolly, i'm desperate like that
59. Who did you last call?
amanda
58. Who last called you?
amanda
57. Was your Valentine's day nice?
workish
56. What are you doing now?
a myspace survey for xanga
55. Who was the last person you said I love you to?
prolly said it platonically to marion last
54. Would you die for someone?
a cynical part of me wants to say i'd die for anything, but i don't think that's the case. bottom line: you'd better someone pretty damn special for me to die for...
53. What do you smell right now?
mucus
50. Do you have to pee right now?
no
49. What did you dream about last night?
dreaming... crazy, no?
48. What are you doing tomorrow?
schoolwork, class
44. Bedsheet color?
torn  i'm buying new ones soon
41. Bad rumor about yourself that you've heard?
that i'm an alcoholic/drunk... so far from the truth.
38. Can you do a cartwheel?
yes
37. Do you own a pogo stick?
no
36. Ever gone a whole day without eating?
yes
35. Do you own ripped jeans?
yes
34. What makes you mad?
everything, more of my peers than anything else, though...
33. What if you found out you were adopted?
i wouldn't really be surprised
32. Are you jealous a lot of the time?
yes
29. Do you have low self esteem?
sometimes...
28. Do you own any big sunglasses?
not huge...
27. Who can make you laugh the hardest?
i dunno
23. Have you recently talked to an ex?
ex?
22. Person who posted this before you?
jess
19. If your best friend died right this very instant, what would you do?
try not to think about it...
18. Do you like 80's movies?
not really
16. Ever encountered a shark?
not in the ocean
15. What kinda music do you like?
all music, but i can be kinda snobby about it, i like to find obscure bands and follow them till they big...
14. Are you a crazy stalker?
no
13. Would you like to move?
yeah
12. Do you have a lot of friends?
i'd like to think so
10. Do you miss someone?
sho nuff
9. Are you sad?
yeh
7. Favorite time of day?
mid morning or early afternoon
6. Ever licked someones cheek?
in fact, i have
5. Watch all Spiderman movies?
nope, haven't seen but maybe one of them entirely
3. What are you looking forward to?
GRADUATION
2. Do you like haunted houses?
they aite. i mean like the real ones, of course. the halloween ones are always over done
1. Do you want to get married?
sure. why not?
| | |
| THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. ed
2. eddy
3. edward
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. scud138
2. pts and picas
3. designintrvntion
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. i can see things in the bigger picture
2. i can design
3. i try not to be a fake asshole... just a real asshole
THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. i am horribly insecure
2. i can be lazy
3. i hate most people
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. scottish
2. english
3. irish
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. commitment
2. cockroaches
3. rejection
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS: (aside from the obvious)
1. workout (recently, at least)
2. music
3. relaxing at least 30 minutes per day
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS (at the moment):
1. The Duhks
2. The Avett Brothers
3. The Flaming Lips
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS: *currently*
1. The Duhks - Out of the Rain
2. The Avett Brothers - Pretty Girl from Raleigh
3. RATATAT - Lex
THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. traveling
2. consistent workout schedule
3. writing/critiquing
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. trust
2. love
3. affection
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. I like working at TEC
2. I live on Holly Street
3. I am a Graphic Design Major
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Legs
2. Eyes
3. Hair (the attractive kind)
THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. accept the shallow standard and arrogant perspective of some designers.
2. study
3. make plans with anyone, apparently
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. driving
2. art and design
3. working out
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. schoolwork
2. escape
3. get a job
THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. designer/design critic
2. metal designer
3. writer (prose, critical or satire)
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. back to st. thomas in the caribbean
2. new zealand
3. europe
THREE KID'S NAMES: *doesn't have to be for my kids*
1. kenna
2. ira
3. normandy
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. travel to another continent.
2. get metalwork published
3. get out of greenville
THREE WAYS I AM STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1. i drive a truck
2. i have no emotions (that i show, anyways)
3. i have a penis
THREE WAYS I AM STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:
1. i am self-concious
2. i talk way too much
3. i am thoughtful and observant
THREE CRUSHES (past and present):
1. ss
2. hm
3. ks | | |
| I am officially a seniorI coulda sworn I was just a freshman (in terms of credit hours) like... yesterday.
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