| | Well, it’s been a long and tiresome year since I graduated at about this time last year. I can’t say with any stroke of honesty that the past year has been anything better than dismal. The year has passed, and what started with a huge ego, a lot of promise, and great deal of excitement has ended it what can only at best be described as a troublesome disappointment in most regards.
I sat outside for about 20 minutes solely reflecting on what the last year has meant to me. I thought about how excited I was to be entering the workforce. I thought about how I had spent the last 12 months or so, and how it has affected me in such a fundamental way. It began as an eager search for a decent job, has ended as a desperate search for anything that sends a paycheck my way. Neither effort has produced anything other than frustration and disappointment. The mere fact that I have already used the word “disappointment” twice, not to mention a healthy peppering of other negative adjectives should be a sign of my lingering frustrations.
This past year hasn’t been without its share of lessons, though. I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned more about myself than I probably cared to know. For instance, I’m not as good as I thought I was at a myriad of things professionally speaking: time management, professionalism, work ethic, problem solving, attention to detail… and personally speaking: emotional stability (or lack thereof), impulsiveness, mental toughness, listening skills, and ability to provide and accept criticisms.
I have also learned some positive things about myself: I can stay optimistic for much longer than I thought; I have more courage than I knew to have; and I have at times, been able to actually put my neck on the line (if not only in small ways). It does make me feel good that I have been able to keep up a good demeanor in the face of a lot of my troubles, but my troubles are really starting to catch up with me these days.
The hardest part about this past year is not trying to figure out where things went wrong, as that is fairly easy to diagnose on a case-by-case basis. The difficulty for me is figuring out why I can’t seem to right this ship. My supporting cast has been helpful for the most part. My parents have been hard to deal with, if not solely for the fact that they get very emotional (not in the crying way) about disagreements and tend to say things that are less than constructive. It doesn’t help that they, or one of them, to be honest, likes to stick their hands into the mix, without any real knowledge of the correct way to approach my situation.
More to the point in that regard, I feel like I should point out that I don’t mind people helping me out anymore. That is one thing I have learned, or taught myself in the past year. I do think there is a point, though, where helping can become hurting because it sends a message of a lack of faith in the abilities of the person you are helping. Making my problems into your problems doesn’t solve my problems, and just makes me feel like you don’t think I can handle these things by myself. Along those lines, helping in a brain-numbingly simpleminded way can also be very counterproductive.
It should be noted that doing this in a very patronizing and condescending way is also very counterproductive. Job-hunting in white collar, heavily networked job markets can’t be simplified into any old job hunt. There are things that, by the nature of business, you can’t understand unless you’ve interacted with it.
Now that I have returned from that tangent, I should also point out I have learned a lot about restraint and indulgence. While some may classify me as a slow learner, and I’d agree with that, I have found that it’s definitely better to hold your cards till it’s time to play them. That’s a bit of a cliché metaphor, but it suits what I need it for. I tend to talk myself into trouble, so I have found that only saying and doing what needs to be said and done is a very helpful and productive endeavor. It’s still a work in progress, but it’s a work well worth doing right.
Right now I am trying to figure out the next step. I feel like the hamster running on the giant wheel, not going anywhere, and if I stop, I go flying backwards and end up in the same spot with no momentum and a headache. I would be lying if I didn’t say that I am in a lot of trouble of my own making at the moment. Once all this clears up, I can get going again, but I just have to figure that out right now.
What will the next year hold? Don’t ask me, though I can tell you my expectations aren’t high. I have a funny feeling, though, that I might want to give up on being a creative professional. It was fun while it lasted, but I need a job with more stability, more growth potential, and less bullshit. I feel like, if I can’t do this at my best, and if I am really struggling this much, I should just give it up and join the rat race.
Maybe I’ll go into finance. I like finance because it is much more formulaic. It doesn’t depend on being new, fresh, trendy, and spontaneous. It’s numbers. And if you can crunch numbers, make calculated predictions, and understand formulas, things fall into place. There’s no selling a formula or market.
That’s about all I can muster right about now…
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| | Posted 5/5/2008 12:38 AM - 7 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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