Eddyward's Xanga

At a crossroads, again

Mon, 05 May 2008 03:38:32 GMT

Well, it’s been a long and tiresome year since I graduated at about this time last year. I can’t say with any stroke of honesty that the past year has been anything better than dismal. The year has passed, and what started with a huge ego, a lot of promise, and great deal of excitement has ended it what can only at best be described as a troublesome disappointment in most regards.

I sat outside for about 20 minutes solely reflecting on what the last year has meant to me. I thought about how excited I was to be entering the workforce. I thought about how I had spent the last 12 months or so, and how it has affected me in such a fundamental way. It began as an eager search for a decent job, has ended as a desperate search for anything that sends a paycheck my way. Neither effort has produced anything other than frustration and disappointment. The mere fact that I have already used the word “disappointment” twice, not to mention a healthy peppering of other negative adjectives should be a sign of my lingering frustrations.

This past year hasn’t been without its share of lessons, though. I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned more about myself than I probably cared to know. For instance, I’m not as good as I thought I was at a myriad of things professionally speaking: time management, professionalism, work ethic, problem solving, attention to detail… and personally speaking: emotional stability (or lack thereof), impulsiveness, mental toughness, listening skills, and ability to provide and accept criticisms.

I have also learned some positive things about myself: I can stay optimistic for much longer than I thought; I have more courage than I knew to have; and I have at times, been able to actually put my neck on the line (if not only in small ways). It does make me feel good that I have been able to keep up a good demeanor in the face of a lot of my troubles, but my troubles are really starting to catch up with me these days.

The hardest part about this past year is not trying to figure out where things went wrong, as that is fairly easy to diagnose on a case-by-case basis. The difficulty for me is figuring out why I can’t seem to right this ship. My supporting cast has been helpful for the most part. My parents have been hard to deal with, if not solely for the fact that they get very emotional (not in the crying way) about disagreements and tend to say things that are less than constructive. It doesn’t help that they, or one of them, to be honest, likes to stick their hands into the mix, without any real knowledge of the correct way to approach my situation.

More to the point in that regard, I feel like I should point out that I don’t mind people helping me out anymore. That is one thing I have learned, or taught myself in the past year. I do think there is a point, though, where helping can become hurting because it sends a message of a lack of faith in the abilities of the person you are helping. Making my problems into your problems doesn’t solve my problems, and just makes me feel like you don’t think I can handle these things by myself. Along those lines, helping in a brain-numbingly simpleminded way can also be very counterproductive.

It should be noted that doing this in a very patronizing and condescending way is also very counterproductive. Job-hunting in white collar, heavily networked job markets can’t be simplified into any old job hunt. There are things that, by the nature of business, you can’t understand unless you’ve interacted with it.

Now that I have returned from that tangent, I should also point out I have learned a lot about restraint and indulgence. While some may classify me as a slow learner, and I’d agree with that, I have found that it’s definitely better to hold your cards till it’s time to play them. That’s a bit of a cliché metaphor, but it suits what I need it for. I tend to talk myself into trouble, so I have found that only saying and doing what needs to be said and done is a very helpful and productive endeavor. It’s still a work in progress, but it’s a work well worth doing right.

Right now I am trying to figure out the next step. I feel like the hamster running on the giant wheel, not going anywhere, and if I stop, I go flying backwards and end up in the same spot with no momentum and a headache. I would be lying if I didn’t say that I am in a lot of trouble of my own making at the moment. Once all this clears up, I can get going again, but I just have to figure that out right now.

What will the next year hold? Don’t ask me, though I can tell you my expectations aren’t high. I have a funny feeling, though, that I might want to give up on being a creative professional. It was fun while it lasted, but I need a job with more stability, more growth potential, and less bullshit. I feel like, if I can’t do this at my best, and if I am really struggling this much, I should just give it up and join the rat race.

Maybe I’ll go into finance. I like finance because it is much more formulaic. It doesn’t depend on being new, fresh, trendy, and spontaneous. It’s numbers. And if you can crunch numbers, make calculated predictions, and understand formulas, things fall into place. There’s no selling a formula or market.

That’s about all I can muster right about now…

Monday, March 26, 2007

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 07:16:31 GMT

90. First off, what is your name?
ed

89. What did you do last night?
went to sleep at 2 am

88. Do you have an opposite sex best friend that you can talk to 24/7?
yes

87. Do you have any siblings?
yes

86. Where are you exactly?
1108

85. Got a boyfriend/girlfriend?
nope!

84. What does the 7th message in your [cell] text inbox say?
"why thanks ed!"

83. Who sits beside you in math?
me, i'm beside myself in math class

82. Do you like ramen noodles?
too salty

81. Where is your dad right now?
sleeping

80. Do you have any kids?
nope

79. Who is the 5th person you got a missed call from?
Lacey

78. Closest black object?
chair behind me

77. Closest silver object?
cell phone in pocket

76. Would you go back in time to change anything you've done?
nah

75. Do you sing in the shower?
yes, tonight's special was Mel Carter "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me"

74. Are you wearing socks?
yes

73. How does your hair look right now?
short

72. Last time you listened to country music?
like 1:30

70. If you could kill someone, who would it be?
jesus, wait, the jews beat me to it :-\

69. What are your fears?
uhh, dunno

68. What do you hear right now?
sniffling, sneezing

67. Do you like kangaroos?
sure!

66. Just kidding?
sure!

65. What are you wearing?
blue, white, orange, i'm dutch!

64. Who was the last person to comment you?
Kristina

63. Do you sing?
only when no one is listening

62. Screamo or Country?
country

61. Rock or Rap?
neither

60. Would you give your boyfriend/girlfriend a second chance if they cheated on you?
prolly, i'm desperate like that

59. Who did you last call?
amanda

58. Who last called you?
amanda

57. Was your Valentine's day nice?
workish

56. What are you doing now?
a myspace survey for xanga

55. Who was the last person you said I love you to?
prolly said it platonically to marion last

54. Would you die for someone?
a cynical part of me wants to say i'd die for anything, but i don't think that's the case. bottom line: you'd better someone pretty damn special for me to die for...

53. What do you smell right now?
mucus

50. Do you have to pee right now?
no

49. What did you dream about last night?
dreaming... crazy, no?

48. What are you doing tomorrow?
schoolwork, class

44. Bedsheet color?
torn i'm buying new ones soon

41. Bad rumor about yourself that you've heard?
that i'm an alcoholic/drunk... so far from the truth.

38. Can you do a cartwheel?
yes

37. Do you own a pogo stick?
no

36. Ever gone a whole day without eating?
yes

35. Do you own ripped jeans?
yes

34. What makes you mad?
everything, more of my peers than anything else, though...

33. What if you found out you were adopted?
i wouldn't really be surprised

32. Are you jealous a lot of the time?
yes

29. Do you have low self esteem?
sometimes...

28. Do you own any big sunglasses?
not huge...

27. Who can make you laugh the hardest?
i dunno

23. Have you recently talked to an ex?
ex?

22. Person who posted this before you?
jess

19. If your best friend died right this very instant, what would you do?
try not to think about it...

18. Do you like 80's movies?
not really

16. Ever encountered a shark?
not in the ocean

15. What kinda music do you like?
all music, but i can be kinda snobby about it, i like to find obscure bands and follow them till they big...

14. Are you a crazy stalker?
no

13. Would you like to move?
yeah

12. Do you have a lot of friends?
i'd like to think so

10. Do you miss someone?
sho nuff

9. Are you sad?
yeh

7. Favorite time of day?
mid morning or early afternoon

6. Ever licked someones cheek?
in fact, i have

5. Watch all Spiderman movies?
nope, haven't seen but maybe one of them entirely

3. What are you looking forward to?
GRADUATION

2. Do you like haunted houses?
they aite. i mean like the real ones, of course. the halloween ones are always over done

1. Do you want to get married?
sure. why not?

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Sun, 25 Mar 2007 17:22:27 GMT

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. ed
2. eddy
3. edward

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. scud138
2. pts and picas
3. designintrvntion

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. i can see things in the bigger picture
2. i can design
3. i try not to be a fake asshole... just a real asshole

THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. i am horribly insecure
2. i can be lazy
3. i hate most people

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. scottish
2. english
3. irish

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. commitment
2. cockroaches
3. rejection

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS: (aside from the obvious)
1. workout (recently, at least)
2. music
3. relaxing at least 30 minutes per day

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS (at the moment):
1. The Duhks
2. The Avett Brothers
3. The Flaming Lips

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS: *currently*
1. The Duhks - Out of the Rain
2. The Avett Brothers - Pretty Girl from Raleigh
3. RATATAT - Lex

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. traveling
2. consistent workout schedule
3. writing/critiquing

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. trust
2. love
3. affection

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. I like working at TEC
2. I live on Holly Street
3. I am a Graphic Design Major

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Legs
2. Eyes
3. Hair (the attractive kind)

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. accept the shallow standard and arrogant perspective of some designers.
2. study
3. make plans with anyone, apparently

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. driving
2. art and design
3. working out

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. schoolwork
2. escape
3. get a job

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. designer/design critic
2. metal designer
3. writer (prose, critical or satire)

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. back to st. thomas in the caribbean
2. new zealand
3. europe

THREE KID'S NAMES: *doesn't have to be for my kids*
1. kenna
2. ira
3. normandy

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. travel to another continent.
2. get metalwork published
3. get out of greenville

THREE WAYS I AM STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1. i drive a truck
2. i have no emotions (that i show, anyways)
3. i have a penis

THREE WAYS I AM STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:
1. i am self-concious
2. i talk way too much
3. i am thoughtful and observant

THREE CRUSHES (past and present):
1. ss
2. hm
3. ks

it's go time

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 05:37:15 GMT

go go go

I am officially a senior

Fri, 19 May 2006 11:48:17 GMT

I coulda sworn I was just a freshman (in terms of credit hours) like... yesterday.

I have no more passion

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 06:20:24 GMT

to go on with this semester, side wood design and production...

i just want to be on a vacation or something.

i just want to leave for a while.

I'm makin a typeface, I'm makin a typeface!

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 07:45:28 GMT

or trying to.

it's for production.

god save me

ed

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Wed, 08 Feb 2006 03:43:57 GMT

So, it looks like I am going to be applying to possibly go to the Netherlands this summer for a study abroad. I really want to, but right now I have to get through production. The hard part is this: I am seriously struggling with trying to create something like what I saw at Chad's presentation, and realizing that is not the answer for this project. I want to so badly, but cannot. That's fine. I am trying to do sketches and having a hard time coming up with a concept that would make an effective book. A book ought to have a sequentialness to it that would imply that if you took one page out, the next page would not make sense. My best concepts deal solely with type, and I am afraid that I am going to have to nix the old idea I had, but it really sucks how this is happening, that I want to do too many things.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Tue, 07 Feb 2006 06:33:37 GMT

so today i had a war in my mind of which was more effective - conceptual graphic design (which I absolutely love, and hope I get to use someday) versus functional graphic design. After seeing Chad's work, I am torn. What exactly will that kind of work do for you in a job search? It makes me wonder. I might ask him tomorrow about this. Conceptual work is so damn hot, but it's often riggedly separated between perceived intentions and intended perceptions. It also is way too personal and isn't what 99% of professional graphic designers do on a daily basis, and doesn't seem to reflect what a professional would do. It seems like after experiencing it, you can't not like it, but can only wonder how much it would make you hate your dayjob, or make you look forward to getting into your studio.

Well, I'll think some more on it, then I'll report back, because I am seriously battling on my head over this one.

ed

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Sun, 05 Feb 2006 01:42:55 GMT

It's been like 4 months I know, but I have a genuine rant that I need to get off my chest. I feel like I am way to nice to some people for the limited (if any) return I get from them. Today was not like that, I went to see Jackie swim in Wilmington today, and I had a great time. I am OK with that, Jackie was happy to see me, and even IMed me to thank me (God forbid any other people besides Aaron, James, and Mark IM me or call me ever). I know IM is a bit impersonal, but I can understand that if she had tried to call, I don't get service down here, and IM is more convienant. Maybe that's too little to ask from her, maybe she'll buy me dinner ...REGARDLESS, Jackie is most definitely not the only person I go out of my way for. There are several "friends" out there that I break my own damn spine for just for a simple thank you or some time you could spare to hang out with a guy like me sometime, and as noted above, only like three people call me more frequently than once ever. Yet for some reason, I don't get calls on Friday, or Saturday nights from these people inviting me to hang out, or do whatever, in fact James is the only one I know of who even does this, and honestly, I don't help him out half as much as I help out some of you other buttnuggets. Just remember this:

NO ONE LIKES TO BE WALKED ON.

for all of who do say please and thank you:

Can I get any of you cunts a drink?